All of my friends like to pick up chicks at the mall
But I myself, I prefer the bingo hall
I saw the most gorgeous woman I ever laid eyes on
Now I tell this story in the form of song

I was only 18, she was 85
She had an oxy tank and went to chemo to stay alive
She said she liked to play bingo to get out of the home
I was determined to make her moan

I asked her if she'd be my girl
She accepted, so we started to date
When we were seen in public, people wanted to hurl
After three dates, we decided to mate

Her name was Ethel, her skin was like leather
Her precious body as delicate as a feather
Two long, wrinkled udders for a rack
Her roast beef cunt hung lower than my sack

Ethel performed a sexual favor one night
And since she hadn't a real tooth in sight,
She put her mouth on my dick and gave it a good fluff
I returned the favor by chewing on her muff

I pulled out my shaft and took it for a dip
I had to fuck her gently so I wouldn't break her hip
Upon each thrust she let out a flatulent queef
After twenty seconds I unloaded in her roast beef

She couldn't be impregnated, I feared this complication
I grew with sorrow, anger, and trepidation
You might ask, "What is the cause?"
Well duh! She was well past menopause

I wanted to see a doctor but had no insurance
But in the yellow pages I found an ad
It was a doctor's office of medical research that financed
It seemed this was the only choice I had

So the very next day I went to see the doctor
The office was very dirty and had trash all over the floor
I was taken aback by this sight, I expected more
A stereo played mariachi music which I abhor

Dr. Lopez told me of an unheard of procedure he was working on
He would replace my nuts with my sperm and her 40-year-old-frozen-egg-created embryo
I wasn't fond of being some kind of guinea pig or pawn
But I wanted a family with Ethel, how could I say no?

Ethel: Replacing thy nuts with embryos sure seems like a very bad thing to do
Me: Oh indeed my beautiful cupid Ethel, I risk it all because I love you
Ethel: My sweet cherub, I just fear all this--thou knowest I love you too
Me: If something goes horribly wrong, then I shall sue
Together: For us you'll/I'll replace each ball
'Twas a year ago we met in that bingo hall
I'll do anything to create our kin
Even if this method is by god's standards a sin

I went back to agree and undergo the surgery
He began by using the front desk as an operating table
This seemed pretty weird and unsanitary
But since this was our only option, THEN SO IT SHALL BE!